Christina's Blog

Good morning World!

How do I stay pull free?

By being conscious of my own willingness. Being accepting and gentle with myself, understanding that the impulses may or may not come, and being willing to deal with them at all times. In fact, the more willing, and consciously prepared I am to respond to them (by not responding at all), the less they invade my life. Period. This took me many years to discover, and my deepest wish is to shorten this learning curve for others, develop language that can transmit the “how to” if you will.

Next week, I will be taking a weeklong training in MBSR, which is short for JonKabat Zin’s Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction. I am taking this, because I think it will be useful in helping me to develop the skills (and language) I am seeking to improve my communication abilities.  The training is from 6:30am until 10pm for 7 days, so in some ways I am dreading it – and in other ways – I cannot wait to do it!

What else -  Alice gave me back my edited manuscrpt for my little meditation book, and I am so delighted! But with the training coming up, I may have to wait to update the corrections. 

Writing this blog, and that little book, has really helped me be more comfortable with the written word, which is incredibly exciting to me!

Okay, here’s to everyone having a great day!

Love, Christina

Hello World!

Today I encourage peace within my nervous system, having learned much from our dogs and cats!

In our home Frankie and Jessie are buddies.

Frankie is a six-toed orange cat with light green sea-mist colored eyes, and Jessie is a Beagle; a bit on the small side, with perfect Beagle markings. In living with them, I have watched as they got to know each other, and the limits that each can live with. Often today (six years later) you will find them sleeping together, or Jessie licking Frankie’s ears. Or Frankie rubbing up against Jessie, gently rumbling with his burbling purr.

All is well in the world.

Now Ben, the Shepherd, and two other cats also live in our home, as do my husband and I. All of us together form a big dance, with the chipmunks, deer, birds, and other local creatures (humans included) as we move in and out of the house throughout the day and night.

And this dance has expanding circles within expanding circles within expanding circles of life, ultimately encircling the very globe we live on…  Am I star stuff? I suspect so. The sun of creation burns vitally in the core of my soul, wrapping through all space and time until back at the center. Without one piece of this inherent dance, I do not think I would exist.  hmmm… musings getting wild there… lol!

But back to Frankie and Jessie. Natural enemies, they were raised together. A one-year old Beagle found a 6-week old kitten moving in. At first, all Jessie the dog wanted to do was nuzzle, chase and pester the kitten, in fact, possibly even eat it. Well! Frankie soon learned that hissing, spatting and batting furiously were useful tools. Thus, ground-rules were quickly identified, boundaries set, and then began the work of getting to know each other. Over time, they got deeply used to each other, settling into the rhythm of daily activity, simply accepting the other’s presence as a fact of life as life is, within the realm of their personal experience

Today, there is a mutual sense of recognition of  “otherness” between them, yet they have become good friends, and are at peace with one another, unless a boundary is crossed beyond a certain point. Even then, they do not ever come to blows. Simply a dismissal, a quick leave-taking, a yip, a hiss, stuff like that. No grudges ever held, and always comfortable when coming together again. Lots of respect on both sides, and even some joking around.

 Jessie is often filled with evident delight when Frankie saunters into the room.

I have learned a lot watching them. In a way their relationship has become a metaphor, teaching me more about my own nervous system and the very body-focused impulses I so hated for most of my early life.

One body, with  conflicting drives, emotions, thoughts, and impulses. Egad –one could hypothesize there’s a slew of “dogs and cats” within!!!

Altering or shifting perspectives often invites different solutions. Taking a look through metaphor, and learning from the natural world, in which living beings are flexible, negotiating and constantly re-evaluating – relationships, can be very useful.

That’s what life is all about – relationships.  Relationships with self, and other, with inner and outer, with the Divine, with the mundane.

Relationship. Whether with oneself, a loved one, a furred, feathered, or scaled friend. Whether with a goal, a dream, a habit or an impulse. Or with a like or dislike, with a sensation, a desire, with a thought form, or a feeling. Or with a disorder, a compulsion, a disease, a pain. It is all about the dynamic interplay of the present moment with all that we perceive through all of our senses.

Ultimately it’s about our internal relationship with the gateways or portals through which we sense (and make sense of) our lives.  ( I have to smile – okay, musing away here…)

Sight, touch, feeling, taste, smell – and our interpretation of this data. But what of thought? Perception? Intuition? The longings of the heart?

The ripple of energy when Spirit flows?

 I have a gut feeling we need more words to identify far more aspects of self that the simple 5 physical senses.

So much of me is not physical – when I look for roots, I find they are not in my biology but in my soul – which is indefinable, unpindownable, ungraspable, and yet far more tangible, real, and constant – than my body, my thought forms, and my feelings.

Yes it is here, sitting in bed, typing this out before I sleep – and the sensory portals are what I have to play with. They are of me, but do not define me. They connect me, but do not interpret me. They are my gateways to you, to life, to the world.

 It is I – who interpret them. From my awareness, perception, soul, spark of divinity – what ever and however oneself can ultimately be defined. ( my guess is we really are indefinable…) But we always try (like I am doing here rather ineptly) – with words as the vehicle for conveying concepts through space and time.

Back to my trich. Like cats and dogs, I found that which was my “natural foe” needed to be honored. Respected. Accepted for its own truth. Not liked, I never said anything about like. Honor – respect, yes. For its power, its bulldoggish persistence, its relentless intrusion on my senses. For its availability, and lure. For its strength and for its mystery. For its trance induction and its wonder – when I found “just the right one.”  For its insidious shaping of my self esteem, my life patterns, my deepest longings to be free.

Acceptance of its role in the unfolding pattern of my life, my thoughts, my drives, my goals.

Do I like the suffering I went through? No.

But I like the person I have become.

Which brings me here to this very moment. It is here that magic happens, and I do not pull or pick.

 I practice being aware.

All the time. (When I remember… lol!)

 It’s a choice:

I have two.

I can practice

Or not practice.

Choosing practice has brought me to this moment.  What was foe has become friend, where there was battle there is now peace. And now, I am connecting with you! And there is nowhere I would rather be.

If I had chosen not to practice this way of life, I would not be here today, sharing with you.  I would be elsewhere in a different story line of creation.

But I am here, and there’s work to do!

With all my heart and soul I yearn for you to experience the gifts of freedom from compulsion. Hopefully – without the degree of suffering – although I know you have each suffered, or you would not be here reading these words.

So did you know that cats and dogs can grow to live in harmony and love?

I have seen it. Lived it, breathed it: in my home, on my pillow, sometimes room barely there for my human head as I get surrounded by my furry friends.  And this human head has hair, and my skin is clear, as I find my nose gently ticked by the flick of a cat’s tail, and my hip kicked by a Beagle’s back leg as she gets comfortable.

Did you know that one can find peace within a nervous system long-wracked by impulses to pick and pull?

I know this to be true.  It’s been a lot of work, but really, really, precious things have come of walking this path.

Have I mused enough?

Good night, and deepest love to you.

Christina

Dear World, hello!

Well, beginning to get back into the swing of things after all the Holiday hullaballoo, and boy is this year off to a busy start! Today has been busy busy busy, but I wanted to comment on next week’s activities.

I will be flying to the East Coast next week, to attend an Alliance for research meeting at NIMH in Washington, DC, and then I will fly down to Miami for a one-day workshop I’ll be presenting. If you live in Florida, I hope you can join me.

For more information go to http://trich.org/ and click on the Miami workshop.

The truth is, I love doing these workshops. It gives me such joy to share what I know, and simultaneously raise funds for TLC’s important work on all of our behalf.  It’s so much better when I actually have the time to take people through a process, instead of just a session an hour long or so.  And there is so much to share! Even 7 hours is just NOT enough time, but it is a very, very good start.

Please email me if you have any questions!

What else – I just got off the phone with a guy from Mystery Diagnosis – they are thinking of doing a trich-related story. We’ll see! I’ll keep you in the loop if it moves forward.

Okay, back to work…

Love to all, Christina

So if you live in Florida (or anywhere for that matter), and are thinking about attending, I hope you do. I have found that when we get together, it is profound and many things happen that just don’t happen online.

Good morning world!

Today, I am not so very happy. In the big scheme of things, there are no crises or major fires to put out, and life is very good, but I am a bit distressed so I will write about it. THIS will make sure I don’t build up a charge and end up pulling over it!  (Like I used to do…)

Here’s the conundrum; it is time to have an emotionally difficult talk with a dear one in my life, which can often be difficult for me to initiate. But if I don’t, I will build up an negative emotional charge, and THAT is not good as it eventually leads to unwanted behaviors like pulling and picking, etc.

Even the very thought of the discussion makes me feel quivery, as I have such a hard time with the fear of anger, condescension, abandonment, rejection, conflict of any sort, and yet – I really do know the only way out is to go through this!

I used to run from big feelings, and I used to run from getting my needs met. Now I may take a bit of time to follow through, but I do, because the feeling of centeredness I gain from acknowledging my truth is necessary for me to stay sober, stay pull and pick free, stay okay with who I am and what I am about in my life.

Sometimes, confronting and acknowledging a feeling that might bring up anger in someone else is more scary to me than talking in front of a thousand people – sky diving – mountain climbing – asking for money – but it is the very best way to live my life.

I have found this to be true over and over again in my life!

Someday, I hope that I can address ANYTHING that triggers me, in the current moment, in a way that is positive and loving, but does the job of not letting misunderstandings build up!

I have an old friend who used to say “Yup, we zip into our earthsuits (bodies)  and off we go to class  to learn whatever it is we each need to learn… “

It does make me smile: it used to be gobs worse. In my twenties, I could not for the LIFE of me do the things I can do now. Thank goodness everything has in so many ways become easier. Not always more comfortable, but certainly easier.

Hmmm – interesting morning musings!

Love to all, Christina

Good morning, world!

We do have it. Believe it or not, there IS effective treatment. Or, let me rephrase it more correctly – We now have treatment that is pretty darned effective. Problem is, it is hard work for the sufferer, and often uncomfortable. But – it does work. The other problem is few doctors know how to offer this treatment. But this is slowly beginning to change.

I’m in New York City at the moment, for several reasons. To attend the Association of Behavioral and Cognitive Therapy’s annual conference, to give a one-day workshop, and to meet with various TLC members.

Yesterday, at the ABCT conference, I had the opportunity to attend the 5-hour institute on CBT for Trichotillomania and BFRBs presented by Martin Franklin, Ph.D. and Douglas Woods, Ph.D.. They are both true experts in the field, and esteemed members of TLC’s Scientific Advisory Board.

What was wonderful was to see the 40 or so doctors who had come early to sign up for this institute, paying an extra fee on top of an already expensive conference. To watch as they paid close attention to Doug and Marty, asking relevant questions, and having an obvious desire to offer better treatment to their clients.

What was also great was to watch how these two professionals presented models for treating both children and adults, with a lot of overlap, but also some real differences in approach, mostly due to developmental processes as the age groups have such different needs.

Both of them have written books , that are available on www.trich.org and I highly recommend them.

TLC trains professionals, with our Annual Professional Training Institute (PTI). The great news is we are in the process of developing a multimedia “Virtual PTI” that should be ready for distribution in the Spring of 2010.

What was interesting for me, was how my own view of the recovery process is somewhat different, simply because I have experienced it from the inside out. There were times in yesterday’s session where I could have clarified things, but didn’t want to butt in to the doctor’s process. Like how the urge changes internally over time. How it really does diminish, when one no longer “feeds” it with reinforcement or emotional power.

Which made me want to get home and work on my own book!  Which I believe will help our community, and also help those that want to help us, by clarifying some of the things that you just cannot know unless you have experienced them.

Gotta get ready for the day!

Much love, Christina