Christina's Blog

Good morning! Before I forget, I wanted to post about an experience I had a few days ago. After this year’s Retreat, I was really pretty tired, and then had a big emotional reaction to an event that happened in my life. 

I have been pull/pick free for quite some time, but it was a great reminder that practice is so important when living with trich.

What happened was this:  I got really angry, and felt a bit helpless in resolving a situation that I didn’t like. Brought up lots of feelings, at a time when I had been hoping to relax and focus on a project I was looking forward to. Instead, my mind kept going back to the problem and looking for ways to “do” something.

I was in bed, preparing to sleep, feeling unresolved about the issue, and suddenly my hand rose to my head and I stroked a few hairs. Yup, the tactile engagement was instantaneous, and so was my awareness of what was happening. I patted my head, and actually smiled as I realized what was going on.

I was tired, and had uncomfortable feelings. Two HUGE drivers for my body-focused behaviors. 

I lay there, and took a few deep relaxing breaths, allowing the awareness of tension to flow out of me, and in so doing, once again committing myself to the process of expanding my ability to engage my emotions in a way that didn’t lead to pulling/picking.

Being as tired as I was, and as angry as I was, the only thing that saved me from triggering a pulling episode, was practice. Self-awareness. Being present for my own process, uncomfortable or not. Being willing.

Today, I am well-practiced in being aware of my drivers, and have better responses in terms of self-care.  I even saw that the impulses that evening were a “signal” demanding my attention and I would need to deal with it so I could move beyond the problem. The very next morning, I made some phone calls, resolved the problem (not perfectly) in a way I could live with, and moved on.

And I didn’t pull, and I didn’t end up in front of the mirror excavating my face.

Which is what I would have done in the past.

Bottom line is this: we DO have a neurological condition, not that well understood yet, but we do have tools that work effectively when practiced.

I never thought I would be able to manage my impulses the way I can today.

The good news is, they rarely come up anymore, and when they do, it is almost always traceable to a sense of overwhelm on some level. Most of the habituated pattern of semi-conscious behavior has been broken in my life, and now I simply need to take care of the first impulse (which is the actual disorder itself).  Because I know this, I can make self care choices accordingly.

Love, Christina