Oh my, I am so emotional right at this very moment. I have been crying, and am really hurting from some news I received today. Turns out my schedule next year will not enable me to attend an event (my Eighth Grade Reunion) that is so close to my heart. I
I am writing because it is so incredible to actually feel so sad, and not engage in pulling or picking. For here is the truth of my life: all I have to do to modulate downward the intensity of my emotional distress, is to pull.
If I was to pull, it would dampen the intensity – I could step back from it, and engage in the microcosmic world of sensation. Take a breather from these overwhelming feelings. But that would start a whole sequence of events that I would then have to deal with, but I would not be in such uncomfortable feelings right here and right now.
One thing I have learned over time is this: It is easier to stay out than to get out of compulsive behavior. Period.
So I am writing. I remember the first time in my twenties when I wrote and got through the impulses instead of pulling. It was a watershed moment, but I didn’t know how to strengthen it. It took another 2 decades to really understand.
What I have learned is to sit with it -cry, rage, whatever just walk through it even if I feel like I will die.
Then and only then do I get some authentic resolution – learn whatever lesson I need to learn, and move on – without damaging my scalp or skin.
I don’t even care if I make sense right now – I just know that its good to get the intense feelings out.
I am just having a rough day, but still and always – grateful that today in this moment I am not trapped in compulsion.
I hope you are having a better day than I am! The wonderful thing is, I do know this will pass, and although it feels like I have a broken heart, the truth is I do not.
Thanks for visiting.
oodles of love, Christina
5 Comments
Hi Christina, really enjoying reading your blog posts, even if you were sad the day you wrote this – it was an inspiration to see how you felt your feelings rather than pulled.
Wondering if you could comment some time about sensory integration and how you learned to process things in a new way?
Lots of love and hope to see you soon,
Rachel
I’ve recently been reading your comments and finding hope for myself. Especially your comments for 10/17. I do know that’s an important event for you. Hearing how you are handling your sadness is so helpful. But, I’m sorry you’re sad and it’s incredible to see how you know it will pass. Recently, I’ve been able to conjure up that thought,as well. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us.
Love,
Jeannette
Hi Christina,
I appreciate you expressing your sadness and anger in ways that are not “harmful” to you. It shows that even when we are at our low moments, with retraining and a whole lot of other things including will power, we can maintain in our recovery. I am so thankfull you blogged your experience for us to read, learn, and grow from.
I am sure the sacrifice you are making is because you are doing foundation work and I wish there was a way around it for you. Perhaps just to fly back for the one night of the reunion and then flying back to your required duties? I am sure you have thought of all that but maybe you should really try to see if someone can help you find a way.
You give so much of yourself it would be nice if some of us could give back to you.
I will see you in Sacramento for the screening on November 6th. Looking forward to it. Linda
Inspirational – Thank you.
I hope I can do this the next time something unexpected comes up.
Hi Christina,
I have recently been finding community among fellow trich sufferers. I am learning to seek out more support, and in that I have stumbled upon your blog today. “I didn’t know how to strengthen it. It took another 2 decades to really understand.” That really describes how I feel about this whole process. I have gotten out of the compulsion trap before but now find myself back in and getting out is so much harder than it would have been if I had utilized other resources. How do I strengthen even the awareness that there is another option besides pulling? What is keeping me from walking through the everyday stress and pain of life? I wish I knew! I really appreciate your post and the awareness it has brought to me.