Good morning World!
I am getting ready to begin my 7 day MBSR training this afternoon, and thought I’d like to post this before I disappear for a week. A while back, on the TLCTrichSupport email listserve (sign up at www.trich.org) someone posted how poorly she felt as she had put together some time and then had a bout of pulling. This was my response to her:
Good Morning! Wanted to jump in here and comment on your flurry of behavior.
You are doing FANTASTIC! And I mean that with my whole heart. Just the fact you put so many days together, had some emotions trigger a bout of pulling, and then the VERY next day are posting about it, tells me loud and clear you are on the road to recovery.
I don’t use the concept “relapse” in my own process anymore, as it always gave me a feeling of failure. Today I am either “in behavior” or “out of behavior.” From my perspective, I have learned there is a LOT of truth in the following statement for the majority of pullers. That is:
“For most, we do pick and pull on the road to recovery.”
Probably because it’s a learning curve.
Rarely have I ever seen someone who stopped, and totally stayed stopped, without any “flurries” of behavior emerging here and there, triggered by emotion, situation, illness, stress, whatever… before ultimately learning to fully navigate without pulling. The key to being on the “road to recovery” for me is this:
Celebrate ANY moment in which you are not engaged in pulling. When you do find that you are pulling or have pulled, accept that it is an opportunity to learn more about what triggers you, and areas that might need some work. (Like processing uncomfortable feelings better… or making sure you get enough sleep so you are not sleep deprived, which makes many vulnerable.. . the list can be long! )
You are not “starting over,” as the days you had cannot ever be taken away, you experienced them, knew what it felt like, learned a lot. You even acknowledge what may have brought on this episode! This is all grist for the mill of your life.
For me, a sign of being on the road to recovery is how you treat yourself when you DO pull. Years ago, my first real signs of recovery were when instead of going in a deep depressive cycle (which was the norm – with anxiety eating at my innards), I began to pat myself lovingly on the back while acknowledging this:
”Yup, I did pull, which makes sense because I have a neurological disorder called trich. But LOOK! I put together a bunch of minutes, hours, days, months, WITHOUT pulling. Yes, I pulled for 2-3-4-5 hours last night, but in the last 1,512 hours, only TWO were spent pulling, when before it was blah blah blah. And today I am working to get back on track to the best of my ability.”
This is one of the ways I nurtured myself until I was able to put years together, instead of days or months. I have now pulled my hair 2 times in the past ten years - once the night of 9/11/2001 (I had almost two years pull free then), and once the day after my father died in January of 2007 (this time I had 6 continuous pullfree years). During the ten years before that, it was a gradual increase of pullfree time, learning tons as I progressed.
Prior to then, I had pulled an average of 2-6 hours every day for twenty+ years, totally entrapped, from the age of 13 – 34.
So that was my response.
In closing, I am now totally invested in shortening that recovery timespan for others, through our work at TLC to develop better interventions, treatments, etc. Your support of TLC will make this dream a reality, so I ask you (beg you!) to become a member, make charitable contributions, get involved! If you want information on all the things we are working on, give me a call at TLC.
Much love,
Christina
4 Comments
Christina,
I’ve had a pretty big day. Reading your blog and seeing what you do to help others inspired me to start my own blog. As a professional educator, I’ve found the best way for me to learn something is to teach it. So I created a space to formally declare my commitment to begin working toward the battle against my trichotillomania, document my progress (and setbacks), explore my own reasons for the behavior, and hopefully help other people as I begin to help myself re-learn how to live. I was going to email you this note but couldn’t find an address, so I’ll just leave a comment inviting you to take a look if you get a chance (I’m sure you have tons of things to attend to, taking on a job as big and important as you have). At the very least, let me thank you for giving me hope that I can take back the temple. It has really made all the difference in my outlook on life and the struggle before me. My biggest goal now is to become another one of the success stories on this site. Wish me luck.
Delilah Jones
http://notpowerlessbutamazing.wordpress.com/
I am an eyelash and eyebrow puller. I have never had a desire to pull the hair on my head. It’s always made me wonder why pull from one area of the body and not the other. For me, I find I have a much better success rate at not pulling if I don’t touch my eyebrows or eyelashes AT ALL. The moment I do (not with the intention to pull, but to check-up on any new growth to feel as though I am making progress), it seems as though that is when the irritation starts (itching, burning, etc) to the point the ONLY relief is to pull from the offending areas. It almost feels as though it’s an allergic reaction. No doubt there is compulsive behavior at play here, but it seems that my eyelashes and eyebrows become such irritants (I would even say they hurt) to the point of having to pull simply to get relief. The more I touch/feel them, the worst it gets.
Question being: Does anyone know if there are certain oils on the skin that perhaps causes this reaction? Or has anyone else noticed this pattern?
Dear Christina,
I read your blog on a monthly basis and it has helped me in ways you’ll never know. I live in a very small country where nobody’s even heard of TLC. It is such a relief to know that I share this with others and to know that you’ve conquered it. Reading your words, I cry, everytime, because what you’re saying is so real to me.
I’ve been pulling my hair from the age of 11. I’m 22 now, I can’t believe it’s been a whole decade!
I’ve learned to control my tendecies to a degree, if I may say so, but still, I feel I’m often missing out on my best years because of my fears and low self-esteem due to my condition.
A few days ago I broke up with my boyfriend of three years and, of course, went on a pulling frenzy. I was so sad because I had ruined all of my hard work and had to start all over again. Now I am proud, because I know exactly what triggered it and I haven’t pulled since the break up, which is amazing, I think.
My biggest problem are mirrors and old photos. I look at my curly hair and think about how beautiful it could have been. Time is also a big factor. I’m extremely unpatient when it comes to waiting for my hair to grow out. I’ve had short hair for some years now, but I really wish I could leave it alone and let it grow. As if it wasn’t worth the effort being short and weak, just so undeserving. I’d love to hear what you have to say on these two topics.
Once again, thank you for all your work and understanding. I am truly grateful, you are the best!
Best wishes,
Juje
I’ve been plucking my eyebrows and eyelashes since I was 12. Today I am 16 and right now I almost have no eyelashes or eyebrows. It’s been the worse this year, my junior year, because of all the work teachers give me. I really want to stop. But, I think I’m getting better at not plucking. I noticed that I usually only pluck when I’m doing homework. Most of the time, I’m not even stressed out. I think I get way more stressed about not having eyebrows than school. It’s horrible because trichotillomania is an ongoing cycle. My mom has been really mad at me. I feel horrible waking up in the morning to see myself in the mirror with no eyebrows. It just doesn’t look like me. I’m supposed to have thick black brows, but hopefully they’ll grow back like they always have. My big black eyes just look awkward. I know it’ll take many many months though, but I’m using castor oil for quicker growth. I hate the feeling of not being confident when I’m with my friends at a party or when a picture is being taken. I used to pluck for 2-3 minutes every couple of days, but now I pluck less and less. I truly believe I’ll stop soon
Have hope and patience especially!