Christina's Blog

Good morning world!

Sometimes, I just wonder who I am writing to. How did you get to this blog, what is your life story, are we neighbors but don’t know it? So very interesting.

Today, I want to share something about my personal process, and how it is a big part of why I am not pulling or picking today.

Yesterday, I had a really rough emotional day, for several reasons. Basically, my self-esteem took a hit, and old insecurities came up about capability, worth, stuff like that.

I have done a LOT of great inner work in my life, but as I also had significant trauma and chaos in my early history, I find I can stumble back into old feelings when I am not aware of things building up.

Yesterday, it was all about admitting that I am not a good administrator, I don’t do well with “authority,” and looming deadlines can shut me down emotionally, causing distress not only to me, but to those I live and work with.

Which then makes me feel even worse!  And really messes with my ability to communicate.

I have always known these are issues, and have struggled for decades with them. Andnever really understanding why it is so difficult to change in these areas, when I have made such profoundly significant progress in so many other areas of my life.

Big conundrum.

Okay, here’s my recovery part.

One thing I have come to not only fully understand -but also accept – is this: in MY nervous system, if I do not address my emotional reality, I will almost undoubtedly set the stage for engaging in unwanted behavior like picking and pulling.

And, as any intense emotion (whether positive or negative) can feel uncomfortable or overwhelming for me in some way, I have – for most of my life, worked to “squunch” (just made that up because it totally fits the feeling) my awareness of the feeling. Which builds up a charge, which leads to various forms of physicalization and behavior.

Last night as I began my evening meditation, I had SUCH a hard time with the level of activity in my mind – sometimes it is easy to simply observe, sometimes it seems almost impossible.  Well, I remembered what a meditation teacher whom I greatly respect once said: ”Yes, it is all about coming back to the center when we wander. But, sometimes, something important is bubbling up, and it is a good thing to stay with whatever that is, instead of trying to avoid it.” I paraphrased a bit, but this is the gist of what he meant.

So, sitting there, with this sense of low self-worth and a tightness in my chest, I made space for holding these feelings. I settled my awareness right in the feeling itself, and queried, “where are you coming from?”

What I do know today, is whatever comes up is okay, I just need to allow, accept, and experience. No, I do not have to LIKE what I feel, but I DO need to be aware and feel it!

I began to remember earlier times in my life when I had similar feelings, and went hurtling back to a very young age!   What came up for me was homework. And my dread of it, my shame over it, and my deep frustration over it.

As a child, I attended 11 schools from the age of  6 until 14. In many schools from 4th grade on I was recognized as “brilliant, but what a shame…”

After 4th grade, I just almost never handed in my homework. I was bright, and performed well in class, but consistently failed classes due to unfinished assignments. 

I remember trying to do homework, and not understanding parts, and feeling sick sick sick to my stomach. 

Well! Last night this experience gave me fantastic insight into some of my current (and lifelong) problems with deadlines etc.

One, I never had any real experience simply being responsible to finish a chore, whether it was homework, or whateever. Never really got the imprint of start, maintain, and complete whatever you set out to do. So in many ways I “adlibbed” by handing in incomplete stuff, or making excuses like I lost it, or faking that I was sick just as we were to review homework… and then after 17 days of Freshman year I had just turned fourteen a month earlier)  of High School, I dropped out by getting a psychiatric discharge for pulling out most of my hair.  Never to go back.

Hmmm. Funny how things look different from the age of 53 looking back!

It wasn’t until I was 21 that I was taught how to actually wash dishes so they were really clean. I would roughly wipe them, rinse them, stack them, and not even realize there was still foodstuffs on some of them.

I hurt so badly for so many years in so many ways, and knew so little about how to be really functional in every day living.

The good news is I survived, and life is basically magnificent today.

Now, the hurts come and go, but it is nothing compared to early on. And today, I can follow the thread to discover the knot that is holding me back from being fully myself.

Like last night. By raising my awareness of the underlying driver of a patterned behavior, all of a sudden a pathway to change has opened up for me.

And, I have not pulled, or picked, and in fact feel rather inspired. And a little bit more complete.

So I now have an added practice – to identify and follow the steps that I personally need to complete each thing I set out to do, and be willing to adapt to a timeline. 

Today, sitting here, I glory in my hair and clear skin. 

Love, Christina