I do not really even know what I want to say, except I hope you come to next week’s TLC Retreat in Maryland. 

This is an event that has become a pivotal point in my year, and I would have to also say, my life.

Before I even started TLC, but had met a couple pullers (one I worked with!) I had a dream about a ” retreat.”

I had spent so many years suffering. I instinctively knew I needed a place where I could really let the walls down, let myself be, with whatever burbled up in response to all that time of suppression, repression, fear,  and denial.

And comfort the wounded being within myself, nurture her, and love her into full integration with the present, instead of being bound to the pain of the past.

I envisioned a place where no-one had to hide if they did not want to, a place where one could look in lashless eyes and see the extraordinary soul, not lack of hair. A place where we could rest, at a very deep level in the truth of our shared experience.  With facilitators who deeply cared, were deeply committed, and deeply knowledgeable.

Surrounded by nature, in a simple setting.

And we have done this, 18 times. One time each year for the past 18 years.

Next week we will begin our 19th Retreat on Sunday, May 18, 2010 in Darlington, MD. 

It astounds me and awes me, and calls to my heart. It’s a process I have come to deeply love, and am humbled by in new ways every year.

I have been present at every one, as has Dr. Charles Mansueto, one of my heroes in this life.  We have seen many people experience the process of unconditional acceptance and love, supported by the transmission of useful hands-on information about living with, and healing from, hair pulling and skin picking.

I hope you join me. It is such a precious space, and we rarely have this opportunity to embark on such a gentle process that can have such profound effect.

More info at www.trich.org!

Love always,

Christina

Sometimes, I just wonder who I am writing to. How did you get to this blog, what is your life story, are we neighbors but don’t know it? So very interesting.

Today, I want to share something about my personal process, and how it is a big part of why I am not pulling or picking today.

Yesterday, I had a really rough emotional day, for several reasons. Basically, my self-esteem took a hit, and old insecurities came up about capability, worth, stuff like that.

I have done a LOT of great inner work in my life, but as I also had significant trauma and chaos in my early history, I find I can stumble back into old feelings when I am not aware of things building up.

Yesterday, it was all about admitting that I am not a good administrator, I don’t do well with “authority,” and looming deadlines can shut me down emotionally, causing distress not only to me, but to those I live and work with.

Which then makes me feel even worse!  And really messes with my ability to communicate.

I have always known these are issues, and have struggled for decades with them. Andnever really understanding why it is so difficult to change in these areas, when I have made such profoundly significant progress in so many other areas of my life.

Big conundrum.

Okay, here’s my recovery part.

One thing I have come to not only fully understand -but also accept – is this: in MY nervous system, if I do not address my emotional reality, I will almost undoubtedly set the stage for engaging in unwanted behavior like picking and pulling.

And, as any intense emotion (whether positive or negative) can feel uncomfortable or overwhelming for me in some way, I have – for most of my life, worked to “squunch” (just made that up because it totally fits the feeling) my awareness of the feeling. Which builds up a charge, which leads to various forms of physicalization and behavior.

Last night as I began my evening meditation, I had SUCH a hard time with the level of activity in my mind – sometimes it is easy to simply observe, sometimes it seems almost impossible.  Well, I remembered what a meditation teacher whom I greatly respect once said: ”Yes, it is all about coming back to the center when we wander. But, sometimes, something important is bubbling up, and it is a good thing to stay with whatever that is, instead of trying to avoid it.” I paraphrased a bit, but this is the gist of what he meant.

So, sitting there, with this sense of low self-worth and a tightness in my chest, I made space for holding these feelings. I settled my awareness right in the feeling itself, and queried, “where are you coming from?”

What I do know today, is whatever comes up is okay, I just need to allow, accept, and experience. No, I do not have to LIKE what I feel, but I DO need to be aware and feel it!

I began to remember earlier times in my life when I had similar feelings, and went hurtling back to a very young age!   What came up for me was homework. And my dread of it, my shame over it, and my deep frustration over it.

As a child, I attended 11 schools from the age of  6 until 14. In many schools from 4th grade on I was recognized as “brilliant, but what a shame…”

After 4th grade, I just almost never handed in my homework. I was bright, and performed well in class, but consistently failed classes due to unfinished assignments. 

I remember trying to do homework, and not understanding parts, and feeling sick sick sick to my stomach. 

Well! Last night this experience gave me fantastic insight into some of my current (and lifelong) problems with deadlines etc.

One, I never had any real experience simply being responsible to finish a chore, whether it was homework, or whateever. Never really got the imprint of start, maintain, and complete whatever you set out to do. So in many ways I “adlibbed” by handing in incomplete stuff, or making excuses like I lost it, or faking that I was sick just as we were to review homework… and then after 17 days of Freshman year I had just turned fourteen a month earlier)  of High School, I dropped out by getting a psychiatric discharge for pulling out most of my hair.  Never to go back.

Hmmm. Funny how things look different from the age of 53 looking back!

It wasn’t until I was 21 that I was taught how to actually wash dishes so they were really clean. I would roughly wipe them, rinse them, stack them, and not even realize there was still foodstuffs on some of them.

I hurt so badly for so many years in so many ways, and knew so little about how to be really functional in every day living.

The good news is I survived, and life is basically magnificent today.

Now, the hurts come and go, but it is nothing compared to early on. And today, I can follow the thread to discover the knot that is holding me back from being fully myself.

Like last night. By raising my awareness of the underlying driver of a patterned behavior, all of a sudden a pathway to change has opened up for me.

And, I have not pulled, or picked, and in fact feel rather inspired. And a little bit more complete.

So I now have an added practice – to identify and follow the steps that I personally need to complete each thing I set out to do, and be willing to adapt to a timeline. 

Today, sitting here, I glory in my hair and clear skin. 

Love, Christina

As we have been looking at the work focus for the rest of the year at TLC, something came to mind for me on a personal level in response to the first week of October being Trichotillomania Awareness Week.

Leslie has just inserted information on the TLC Hands-Down-A-Thon in the next IN TOUCH newsletter, and I realized I could not do that as a project, as I am not struggling with impulses to pull! (If you do not receive the wonderful quarterly paper newletter, you are missing out! Just sign up as an official TLC  member…)

So this is what came up for me. How can I personally do something to raise money for the organization and this work I believe needs to be done, raise awareness, and have an interesting experience?

Hmmm.

I think I am going to “go for a walk.”

I haven’t got the whole thing quite fleshed out in my head, but basically I will walk a fair distance to raise awareness and funds.

I will ask everyone I know and some I don’t, if they will sponsor me, for a minimum $1 per mile. $5 and $10 per mile will also be welcome! And it will all be tax-deductible for my sponsors.

As I reside in the San Francisco Bay Area (really in Santa Cruz, but close enough) I will do something here. Maybe walk from San Jose to San Francisco, pulling a wagon with balloons and brochures to give out on the way, or perhaps I will walk to every TV and radio station in the area.

Like I said, I don’t have it fully conceived yet, but I do know I will do a “walk!”

If you live in the Bay Area (or even if you don’t, but want to fly in to participate… ) and want to join me, please email or call!!!   Christina@trich.org and days at TLC – 831-457-1004.

I just think that it is a kind of “envelope pushing” thing to do, could get at least some local media, and even raise several thousand dollars to support the goal of finding effective answers to the conundrum of picking and pulling.

The WALK would probably take place over a few days, in the first week of October. Or, if you have some other ideas, let’s brainstorm!

What fun! Not only an awareness project, fundraising project, celebration project, but a healthy endeavor, as I am going to start training today!

I have a good walk pace, but I have rarely walked more than 3 miles in the past few years. So this is also very motivating to get in better shape!

Let me know your thoughts on this – would you like to be one of my precious sponsors? I may walk as far as 75 miles!

Love to all, Christina

Today is Saturday, and when I awoke, I felt like I had cement in my veins.  Wednesday evening of this week, I made the choice to euthanize our geriatric German Shepherd, Ben. 

My heart aches so, and there is a big lack of presence in our home now.

Ben was 11 years, 7 months, and 8 days old, 109 pounds, and had been suffering for quite a while. In the past 3 weeks, he took a turn for the worse, deteriorating rapidly. I could see a shift in his awareness, a change signalling body changes leading to death. Even so, I though I had more time with him.

Not to be.  I have cried on and off the past 3 days, and only now have I even wanted to write about it.

In many ways Ben was my best friend. He adored me, accepted me, celebrated me, and totally wanted to be with me. Sometimes, I must admit – too much! When I would work at home, he would stand at my office door, snapping at the air – saying “come on! Let’s go DO something!”  Often, I would. So he knew just the ways to get my agreement to his wishes.

I used to take him with me to work, with Jessie the Beagle. But as he got older and crankier, it was difficult to have him at the office, because when you had to step over him he would get all bent out of shape!

I also know that Ben’s passing will not be a trigger for me to resume pulling.

Today, I do have the ability to stay present with overwhelming feelings, I do not have to detach through a physiological behavior that alters my awareness profoundly.

The night he died, a part of me just wanted to obliviate. To disappear, dissipate. Years ago, I would have gotten drunk, taken pain pills, whatever, anything, ANYTHING not to feel the pain of loss.

So that evening, when I felt the urge to run, to drown my sorrow,  I recognized the need to honor the depth of pain and sorrow, instead of hiding from it.

This is what has transformed my life. Being present for the truth of what is actually happening in this moment.

I did a sitting meditation, maybe 30 minutes or so, aware of my breathing with the lightest touch of attention, and let the feelings simply roll forth like the deluge of a flood. 

Ben deserved this. To totally feel him, his passing, my loss, all in honor of this extraordinary canine being that shared our lives for over a decade.

Today, I navigate the deep waters of self so differently than years ago, and in the change, I have found more freedom.

Ben loved nothing more than to go for a ride, I took this picture one-handed while driving.

Dear Ben, thank you for the honor of sharing time in this life with you!

Love, Christina

Woke up today pondering the upcoming TLC Retreat and what it means to me, and thought I would share some musings on it.

Why come to a TLC Retreat? To honor your process, the truth of your life experience, to allow yourself the space to step outside of your habituated routines of behavior, thoughts and feelings, and to experience being surrounded by the profundity of a deeply understanding community.

And do this in a setting of great beauty and peace, focused on healing, surrounded by nature; how often, truly, do we give ourselves this grace-filled opportunity?

Spread over 4 days, The Retreat starts Sunday evening, followed by two full days of interactive sessions, and ends Wednesday at noon. The timing is designed to truly allow time away from our normal activities, and offers an opportunity for transformative change in our relationships with the disorder.   

After many, many years where so many of us have tried so many pathways, from medication management to diet, from prayer to acupuncture, from counseling to support groups, a deeper understanding is emerging of the absolute importance of acknowledging and embracing the inner processes that truly support recovery, no matter what your approach, training, belief system, etc.  

And for those who have more recently started these unwanted behaviors, it provides an excellent roadmap right from the start!

During the Retreat, you will experience the opportunity to look at these chronic, often habituated behaviors and the associated mental patterns that can fuel them from new perspectives, and to meet others from all over Come together with others to educate yourself, share experiences, and practice new behaviors that can open pathways to healing on many levels.

Spend time with facilitators who are profoundly knowledgeable about living with, and healing from, hair pulling and skin picking, and the dynamics that often surround them.

The retreat environment offers attendees the opportunity to create a deeper understanding of the inner journey of living with, and healing from, hair pulling and skin picking,

Having attended all of them, for me the bottom line is this: I am in recovery, and I am maintaining it. From pulling/picking from 2-6 hours per day for 2 decades, to now, when I have eleven years of solid recovery, the Retreat has been central to my healing, and in so many ways.

And now, here we are approaching TLC’s 19th Retreat! It is always interesting to step back and see how it has developed over the years. The first year, I remember wondering if anyone would come, if anyone felt the need like I did, to spend time with people of similar experience and need. Sure enough, people did, and the tradition continues to grow. 

Many people who have not been to a TLC Retreat  ask me to explain what it is and what will happen. Will they learn “the answer?” – will they sleep in beds? What is the food like? Do they have to talk to others? Who will be coming?  Can they take their wigs off? Do they HAVE to take their wig off – or wash off eye makeup? What if others see their scars or marks from picking? Will they be rejected? Can they bring their spouse? What will a parent do while there? And a myriad of other questions.

I can share with you that we set the basic parameters, by providing the environment and flow of events, but the rest is up to you. (And yes, generally most sleep in shared cabins, unless you bring camping gear or stay at a nearby hotel.) The most important part of participating in a Retreat, I feel, is to come with an open heart and an open mind. It is an opportunity to meet with others from all over the country, of all ages, and at many stages in the recovery process. There are people who may not have pulled or picked for years, and those who spend hours per day still struggling with impulses; those who are actively engaged in networking, and those who have never spoken to another sufferer. Some have been to every Retreat (or one or two), and others are coming for the first time. Many are in treatment, or have been, while others have not. There are people who don’t pull hair or pick skin themselves, but have a loved one that does.

All of us are drawn together by the shared experience of our lives being impacted in some way by picking and pulling, and the desire for freedom from compulsion is the common bond between us.

Then there are the wonderful professional practitioners and others, who participate year after year, to share information and healing without receiving payment for their invaluable contributions. Their availability and individual efforts of behalf of TLC are so integral to the Retreat process. We could not do it without them.

So, in essence, just in coming and being present, one has taken a powerful step and made a strong statement about willingness to recover. 

Most precious  is the opportunity to step outside the need to hide, reduce the old sense of shame, learn new tools, and meet others with whom you can network – for the rest of your life, if you like! Many deep and lasting friendships have evolved out of meetings at the Retreat.

I hope those of you who read this will be moved to join me this year! Here’s the link for more information, and please know that we do offer partial scholarships and payment plans.

http://www.trich.org/involved/cal-retreats.html

See you soon!

Oodles of love, Christina

Hmmm… I have a bunch of stuff on my mind, so I may just ramble a bit until I hit my stride.

Is trich life-threatening? 

Not often, but it can certainly be life-threatening. For a variety of reasons. Physically, one can develop a trichobezoar, or hair ball blocking the digestive system. Years ago, I spoke to a mom whose 7 year-old daughter had needed half of her stomach removed due to terrible infection from a mass of hair.  Is that child alive today? I do not know. Since then, I have met adolescents who have had one, two, or even several trichobezoars removed, one girl was operated on 4 times.

How many people die from these blockages, with it never being revealed – due to ignorance, shame, or lack of interest?  You will randomly hear about trichobezoars in surgical or medical  journals. Rarely elsewhere.

And how many die from skin picking? Holed up in houses, unable to leave for fear of exposure? How many get septic systemic infections and fall deeply ill or die? I do not know.

A while back I also spoke to the grieving mom of a young woman of 21 who committed suicide as a result of believing she could never stop pulling, and her shame was overwhelming, and she ended her life.

And then, this past week, I have learned of a young man in our community who did the same thing. My heart aches for his family now. How many others are there? I have no idea, but I tell you this:

The degree of sheer suffering from this obscure and ignoble disorder IS capable of driving people to suicide, and IS capable of causing serious physical harm.

Not for most of us, or the disorder would be more well-known. But for a certain number of us, it IS life-threatening.

For myself? For years, I did want to die, and seriously considered if I could live life with no hands (yes, I dreamed of having them amputated), but as an adult, never came close to really considering suicide as an option.

Have you ever contemplated ending your life – because of trich or skin picking? I would love to hear folk’s thoughts on this. I only wish I had known that the young man was in such distress – I had not spoken to him in about 10 months, and was deeply sorrowed to hear of his passing this week.

Over time, I have spoken to many, many people, who have contemplated and / or attempted to killed themselves. Obviously these folks went on living and reached out, but how many don’t? This concerns me deeply. This is my community, people who share my experience, and I care as one who has walked this path and understand it’s entrapment from the inside out.

Today, as a result of my own experience, I do know it is possible to change behavior.

Effectively.

But – here’s the caveat – it takes commitment, time, and hard work, which can be uncomfortable to walk through. Maybe if we had a magic pill, life would be easy – but we don’t!

So what do we do as a community? I do not want those among us who suffer so greatly to simply slip through the cracks.

This is a great conundrum in my life – with the development of TLC as a resource, and all the work that TLC does, we are moving in the right direction. But there is SO much more that needs doing, and people are still slipping through the cracks – all the time.

People who have no access to support, effective treatment, friendship with understanding – there are many out there (are you one?) and it is unacceptable to me to sit back and do nothing about it.

That’s why I am committed to supporting TLC – with my finances (yes, I make a monthly tax-deductible donation), with my energy, with my commitment.

I believe that supporting TLC is the best option to alleviating the suffering caused by hair pulling and skin picking.

So, if you are reading this, and are not a member of TLC yet (get the paper quarterly newsletter, etc), why not become one? Why NOT help? Why NOT make a donation, whether it is $5 or $500? What level of hurt have you experienced from these problems – enough to put a value on it?

Or offer your skill-set – perhaps you are well-connected, a financial wizard, or creative, or savvy in a kajillion ways – to help us mend these cracks that beloved people keep slipping through.

Yes, I am frustrated, but I also know it is so much better than even a few years ago.

Please join us in this work to improve the quality of life of those suffering with these problems!

Much love, Christina

I’ve been meaning to write about this for a while – and then it slips my mind. In fact, I wanted to write a short meditation on this concept for my little book Pearls, but again, I forgot!

So today is the day. (Because I sent out a text about it on Monday… )

Here’s the thing: Early on, I had no idea how to break down the actual realtime experience of hair pulling – or skin picking. I was SO habituated, and had failed SO many times to make significant headway, I had come to believe that change was just not possible for me. This caused deep sorrow, and eroded my self-esteem.

Sound familiar? At least to those of us with many years of this under the belt, it is a common experience. Moving ahead, doing well, then slipsliding back down into cycles of pulling and picking, feeling like it is just too hard to stay free of the behavior. And, even if we’ve only struggled for a few weeks, months, or a year or two, it just makes us feel so out of control etc.

One very simple exercise that I started doing had profound results over time. It was this: I had come to understand that when I denied myself the pulling and picking that I craved, it generally built up my internal pressure and often ended up in a binge episode of overwhelming behavior. Better not to deny, I thought.

So this is what I began to do. I told myself that when I had an urge, no problem! I could like TOTALLY pull! I just needed to wait a bit before I did the behavior. Notice what was going on inside, breathe, and then OF COURSE I could pull or pick!

So it was about inserting a NEW behavior – that of waiting with awareness – for a few seconds to a few minutes, BEFORE I engaged in the pulling/picking behavior.

This way I was not giving my internal need system a message of denial, so no tension tended to build up. If I did start to tense up – feel resistant, I would just wiggle my shoulders, take a nice breath, and relax. Because, of COURSE I could pull! in Just a few seconds or minutes!

Did this work? Surprisingly well. Not at first, but I couldn’t ride a bike, drive a car, type a word at first either. So I was very gentle with myself, and worked to stay in a non-denying state. Letting myself know that yes, I certainly could pull if I still felt like it when the time limit was up (I started with about 5 seconds).

Amazingly, just giving myself the permission to choose to wait a few seconds, began to change my awareness of the whole process. It showed me that there WAS a way to make tiny changes over time, and that with practice, I really could make headway.

And here’s the radically cool thing: often when I inserted these little bits of time, I would feel so empowered that I REALLY was engaging directly with my urge, and I was making choices to engage it differently. Once I got up to more than about 30 seconds, I often no longer felt like pulling simply from the amazement of it all. Of course there were times when even after 10 minutes I would have an urge, and in the beginning I simply let myself pull.

But over time, as I became more comfortable with the experience of feeling an impulse but not reacting to it, except with breath and awareness to stay relaxed, I found that not only did they lessen in intensity, but if I felt an impulse arise, and turned INTO it with the full intention of being ready to insert this little “gap” of time, it often dissipated quickly.

This took a couple months of practicing, and at first it was bothersome, but after the first week it became pretty easy, and now, it is automatic.

So – yes, I do still get urges, now and then. I will go weeks and months with no urge, and then there may be a little flurry. Mostly they occur at a very deep level and today I treat  them as signals to pay attention to my overall balance.

Usually when I check in with myself, I find that I am either doing something I don’t want to be doing, or I am trying to multitask to the extreme and I have lost track of the moment. Or, I am too tired, irritated, or in denial of some feelings I need to acknowledge.

So that’s my pitch for making tiny changes – just like a flower unfolding – it happens in little increments over time!

Okay, back soon.

Love Christina

This is a powerful week for me. On May 20th, 1990, I flew to Seattle to do a local talk show on trichotillomania. At the time, I owned and operated a small answering service with my dear friend and business partner, Dana. I had recently discovered others suffered, and had gotten into treatment at Stanford Medical Center in California, also starting a local support group – all in the hopes of meeting others like me.

Well, as a result of running an answering service that provided voice mail services, when I flew up to do the show, I took a voicemail # with me to offer as a “Trichotillomania Hotline.”

The show was Northwest Afternoon, and there were 2 other hair pullers and myself being interviewed. This particular show was live, and accepted live calls from viewers. Well!!! Once we started talking, the phones rang off the hook. Voices were piped in of people sobbing and laughing, stunned to find that there were others, people who understood. The big question was – “how do I get help?”  At the end of the show, the station put onscreen the telephone # I gave them with the words – Trichotillomania Hotline. OMG!!!

Little did I know how my life was to change. In every way, at every level and for the rest of my life. My work, my living situation, my worldview were to get totally changed.

By the time I got home, I had over 100 people trying to leave messages in the voicemail. I was floored. About 600 calls came in over 72 hours. I spent the next few days attempting to call everyone back, and ran my phone bill up over $1200 dollars. It was the best money I ever spent, and transformed my life. After 5 days of this, something inside me melted away and I experienced a huge paradigm shift of awareness and motivation. It became crystal clear to me that SOMETHING had to be done.

That day, in total emotional overwhelm from interacting with so many like me, I lay in my bed and entered a deep contemplative state, experienced the most beautiful vision of my life, completely embraced by the profound awareness of indescribable Love, and it was from this experience that TLC was conceived.

There were all these people, with nowhere to send them, no doctors, no effective treatment, no shame reduction, no support, no coordinated effort WHATSOEVER to meet the needs of this suffering community. MY community. My own private experience was reflected in every contact I made, and together, we began to heal, one phone call at a time. Some of those people I am still in touch with to this very day.

Anyway, like I said, this is a very powerful week for me, and I am so deeply humbled to have been able to follow through all these years, in service of that initial dream. That dream, in simplest essence, was to lay the groundwork for real, significant change, so that no child ever again had to go through what I did and so many others.

We are not fully there yet – need to raise a lot more funds for all the programs we want to implement – but it is EVER so much better that it was 20 years ago today.

If you read this, and it touches you in any way, help TLC help us all! Get involved, be a TLC member and donor (there’s lots of research and outreach to fund!), become a volunteer, work on your own process of recovery – and know you have me as a resource. You can call me at TLC, or email me directly at christina@trich.org.

May all of our lives unfold with great lovingness and healing!

Love to all, Christina

Been a lot longer than I expected since my last blog entry – now it is time to catch up! I did a 7-day mindfulness retreat with Jon Kabat-Zinn, got my little book PEARLS – meditations on recovery from hair pulling and skin picking published (only available through TLC right now www.trich.org),  and just a few days ago got home from our 17th Annual TLC Conference in Dallas. Which was absolutely marvelous! 

 I have a lot of catch up today at work, but I wanted to share one of the meditations in PEARLS with you today.

 Here it is: This is page 129 I believe! 

Recognizing – and honoring – the bear in the doorway

Today I seek new pathways.

My trich was like a big Grizzly Bear:

bigger than me, able to swat me down, chew me up

and spit me out –

It beat me every time I engaged in the fight.

It stood in the “doorway” to all I wanted.

I have come to understand

that I had been focused on fighting my way –

THROUGH

Now I sit back; I no longer fight the bear.

I honor that the bear is bigger than me,

can outdo all my maneuvering.

I honor the bear; I no longer fight.

I simply open myself up to a new pathway

that the bear is not guarding.

There are pathways all around me!

I was too busy to see them before.

I am free.

And the bear sleeps in that doorway, long behind me.

~ It is easier to stay out than to get out ~

I am getting ready to begin my 7 day MBSR training this afternoon, and thought I’d like to post this before I disappear for a week. A while back, on the TLCTrichSupport email listserve (sign up at www.trich.org) someone posted how poorly she felt as she had put together some time and then had a bout of pulling. This was my response to her:

 Good Morning! Wanted to jump in here and comment on your flurry of behavior.

You are doing FANTASTIC! And I mean that with my whole heart. Just the fact you put so many days together, had some emotions trigger a bout of pulling, and then the VERY next day are posting about it, tells me loud and clear you are on the road to recovery.

I don’t  use the concept “relapse” in my own process anymore, as it always gave me a feeling of failure. Today I am either “in behavior” or “out of behavior.” From my perspective, I have learned there is a LOT of truth in the following statement for the majority of pullers. That is:

“For most, we do pick and pull on the road to recovery.” 

Probably because it’s a learning curve.

Rarely have I ever seen someone who stopped, and totally stayed stopped, without any “flurries” of behavior emerging here and there, triggered by emotion, situation, illness, stress, whatever… before ultimately learning to fully navigate without pulling. The key to being on the “road to recovery” for me is this:

Celebrate ANY moment in which you are not engaged in pulling. When you do find that you are pulling or have pulled, accept that it is an opportunity to learn more about what triggers you, and areas that might need some work. (Like processing uncomfortable feelings better… or making sure you get enough sleep so you are not sleep deprived, which makes many vulnerable.. . the list can be long! )

You are not “starting over,” as the days you had cannot ever be taken away, you experienced them, knew what it felt like, learned a lot. You even acknowledge what may have brought on this episode! This is all grist for the mill of your life.

For me, a sign of being on the road to recovery is how you treat yourself when you DO pull. Years ago, my first real signs of recovery were when instead of going in a deep depressive cycle (which was the norm – with anxiety eating at my innards), I began to pat myself lovingly on the back while acknowledging this: 

 ”Yup, I did pull, which makes sense because I have a neurological disorder called trich. But LOOK! I put together a bunch of minutes, hours, days, months, WITHOUT pulling. Yes, I pulled for 2-3-4-5 hours last night, but in the last 1,512 hours, only TWO were spent pulling, when before it was blah blah blah. And today I am working to get back on track to the best of my ability.”

This is one of the ways I nurtured myself until I was able to put years together, instead of days or months. I have now pulled my hair 2 times in the past ten years - once the night of 9/11/2001 (I had almost two years pull free then), and once the day after my father died in January of 2007 (this time I had 6 continuous pullfree years).  During the ten years before that, it was a gradual increase of pullfree time, learning tons as I progressed.

Prior to then, I had pulled an average of 2-6 hours every day for twenty+ years, totally entrapped, from the age of 13 – 34.  

So that was my response. 

In closing, I am now totally invested in shortening that recovery timespan for others, through our work at TLC to develop better interventions, treatments, etc. Your support of TLC will make this dream a reality, so I ask you (beg you!) to become a member, make charitable contributions, get involved!  If you want information on all the things we are working on, give me a call at TLC.

Much love,

Christina