TLC Blog

Good morning world!

Today is a good day. Not for any particular reason, but I woke up late, and just made myself a cup of coffee. When I used the potholder (you know, the kind you made as a kid with cotton loops and wove them together…) to grab the teapot, I noticed the texture of the potholder, and the glint of light off of the teapot, as I moved it from the burner.

Our every moment is so wondrous, yet mostly we (or maybe it is only I) spend so much time with awareness parked inside our thoughts – which almost never relate to what is actually happening in the moment.

So, now I sit, sipping this wondrous cup of coffee – out of my favorite ceramic cup, and prepare myself for a full day of activity. I have several things I need to do… practice the MBSR body scan, as I am supposed to lead the meditation in my tuesday class. I am a bit nervous, but that’s okay, that’s why I am IN the class! To learn!

I also need to reorganize my presentation for next week in Seattle.  There is so much to share, so much to offer, and yet I will only have 6 hours. I need a week to REALLY do it right, but 6 hours is a really good amount of time to lay out a solid recovery process. The only reason a week would be nice, is that then we would all spend time practicing together, and reinforcing what was learned.

In some ways, after 20 years, I feel as if I am coming into my own – what does this mean? It means I am solid on my path, I am comfortable in my skin, I am learning every day, and I am very, very committed to remaining free of the behaviors of hair pulling and skin picking.

It has become a spiritual path of incredible discovery for me – to slow down, way, WAY down, to where awareness is present as the impulse arises, without the need to “attach” or be “reactive” to the impulse. Thus, it simply fades as it has no “fuel.”

I can feel the biology at work, and yet also the impact of awareness on that very biology itself. There’s a line in physics that states “the observer changes the observed.” I have found this to be true with the arising of impulses.

In essence,  incredibly easy, and perhaps the hardest thing I have ever done in my life; yet doing this inner attentional work has opened up awareness of the interconnectedness and a sense of the profound divinity of life itself.

Okay, I also got my hair cut yesterday, and I am happy to report that I am not nuts over it at all. This is part of my own recovery, as there was a time when I would literally be in pain after a haircut for days and days.

Love to all, Christina

hmmm.  Still feeling sleepy from my late night last night – and waking up so early today! On Tuesdays, I am now taking a 10 week training course in MBSR to learn how to teach it. MBSR stands for Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction, and I kind of “fell” into it last December when I was googling around. I had heard of it before, but never took the time to investigate. Well – to make a long stroy short, I took a weeklong training with Jon Kabat Zinn, did an 8 week MBSR class here in Santa Cruz, and am now taking the MBSR Teachers Practicum class on the road to being a certified MBSR instructor. Why? Because – I have been doing this internal work for years, just never knew it. And… here’s the inside info: it’s played a HUGE role in my ability to reduce and disconnect form impulsive behavior. So – full steam ahead! I want to really develop this for impulse reduction in a  way that I can teach it to others.

Okay, better get to work – lots to do today!

Love Christina

Good morning!

Well, woke up about an hour ago, not sure exactly why, but got up to put the water on for a cup of coffee. As Rex was still asleep, I didn’t turn on any lights, as I could see well enough to get around. I did notice our calico cat, Isabella,as she scurried by through the kitchen, like a little ghost in the corner of my eyesight.

She went around the wall heading to the back door where we have a pet door (one of those plastic flap things) and I suddenly heard a funny noise. I poked my head into the hall, and saw Isabella backed up in the corner, hackles up and growling! Now this is a cat that I have lived with for 7 years, and have never heard make a sound unless she is purring, or her brother and her get in a spat. No meowing, no growling – nothing.

So I KNEW something was up, and my hunch said “raccoon!”  Only because last week I had seen one poking around in the back yard.  I flicked on the light, and sure enough, a huge bandit-faced raccoon stood there, with its back all humped up. It darted into our pantry… and as the cupboard door was open, got in on the bottom shelf and crouched there watching me.

Hmmm. 3 cats, a Beagle, and a raccoon – not a good mix. I needed to act quickly! I pulled the back door open, set the cover of the pet door sideways to make a barrier, and stepped back. JUST as the raccoon made a run for it – darting out the wide open door, Jessie the Beagle, came hurtling into the hallway. (She’s a deep sleeper – was a bit late on the uptake!)

For about the next half hour, Jessie would not stop howling – she had to sniff every molecule in the pantry, and really gat all busy. Finally, she calmed down, with just a few hoots and growls, going back to bed. Me and the cats just watched, with me trying to calm her periodically. Of course by this time Rex was up, and we were discussing keeping the pet door closed at night.

When Ben, our German Shepherd was alive, we never had these kinds of problems! But the past few months, with him gone, there are more and more incursions…

So now  Rex is back asleep, and I sit here, having finally drunk the coffee I was making when this all began,  thinking about the impact of this experience on me. Which does finally bring me to raccoonsand trichotillomania!  Why?

Because I can still feel the adrenaline in my body. And my left-over concerns about rabies – what if it was rabid and bit our oldest cat, who doesn’t have a current rabies shot because he’s been ill and the vet recommended waiting til the infection was cleared up before updating his vaccine…  better make that vet appt!

So. The connection? a rush of adrenaline, and a flood of quick worry. Both previous triggers for me.  I used to not be aware of how impacted I was physiologically by simple life events, and then I would suddenly be caught in behavior and wonder what happened.

I feel strongly that all the mindfulness work I have done has really laid a framework of awareness that helps me both recognize – and navigate – lots of states that used to cause a build up of energy often resulting in pulling.

Now, after typing this, kind of focusing my awareness on examining this experience, I no longer feel adrenaline, and instead have a sense of accomplishment. I guess from the sense of understanding my own process better, having more awareness, which results in having more options.

Interesting way to start the day!

By the way, the raccoon was gorgeous. And huge. And now it is outside.

Love Christina

Dear World,

I haven’t posted since before the TLC Retreat! Feels good to be checking back in here. I am going to tell you all about my wild and wacky trip east, but not today. Today I want to start getting sponsors for my walk! Here’s the scoop: 

October 1-7, 2010 is National Trichotillomania Awareness Week, and TLC will be encouraging folks to join this year’s Hands-Down-Athon in honor of it, to raise funds, have some fun, and grow hair! Last year, some of the kids of parents on this very list participated, setting up fundraising pages and getting sponsors for each day that they did well “keeping their hands down.”  It was extraordinary to watch these young people and their parents get involved, and it REALLY helped TLC.

More soon on the Hands-Down-Athon! (  next week I think…)

But as I have not pulled in over a decade, I cannot do a Hands-Down-Athon!  

   Instead, I am doing a 20 mile walk on October 1st to kick off the week.  (I am in training now!)

 I am asking everybody I can think of that might care about this work to sponsor my walk to benefit TLC!

 Here is the link to my “Trekking for Trich” page:  http://www.firstgiving.com/christinapearson 

Please check it out, and be a sponsor of my walk! 

 From .25 cents per mile (total $5.00) to $100 (Total $2000) or more per mile – any amount will be deeply appreciated and is completely tax-deductible.   I have 52 days left to gather sponsors.

I am working to raise at least $1000 (even $2000!!!) for every year I have devoted to this cause – which is at 20 this year…

 I know we are all financially tight during these fluctuating and difficult times – I for one definitely am. That said, we can all probably afford a few dollars for a cause that is so near to our hearts as this. Please help me help our community.

I am doing this walk for this reason: I do not want suffering children to have to wait to grow up to get help.  We CAN do this, together!  I don’t even have children of my own, but yours are deeply precious to me. I saw my mom suffer so when she tried to help me as a child, and my own struggles lasted for decades. I do not want another child to experience what I went through. Ever. So I do this work.

Also, if anyone wants to also Trek for Trich, you are welcome to join me or do it in your home area.

 Please help me help TLC help kids!

If you have any questions, there is more info on the linkpage. Or, just email me. I believe in the work that TLC is doing, and yet I know we need so much more done to fully meet the needs of this community of sufferers. I am sure you know this also.  If you haven’t reviewed the TLC website in a while, there’s lots to check out at www.trich.org.  

Much love,

Christina Pearson

Good morning world!

Sometimes, I just wonder who I am writing to. How did you get to this blog, what is your life story, are we neighbors but don’t know it? So very interesting.

Today, I want to share something about my personal process, and how it is a big part of why I am not pulling or picking today.

Yesterday, I had a really rough emotional day, for several reasons. Basically, my self-esteem took a hit, and old insecurities came up about capability, worth, stuff like that.

I have done a LOT of great inner work in my life, but as I also had significant trauma and chaos in my early history, I find I can stumble back into old feelings when I am not aware of things building up.

Yesterday, it was all about admitting that I am not a good administrator, I don’t do well with “authority,” and looming deadlines can shut me down emotionally, causing distress not only to me, but to those I live and work with.

Which then makes me feel even worse!  And really messes with my ability to communicate.

I have always known these are issues, and have struggled for decades with them. Andnever really understanding why it is so difficult to change in these areas, when I have made such profoundly significant progress in so many other areas of my life.

Big conundrum.

Okay, here’s my recovery part.

One thing I have come to not only fully understand -but also accept – is this: in MY nervous system, if I do not address my emotional reality, I will almost undoubtedly set the stage for engaging in unwanted behavior like picking and pulling.

And, as any intense emotion (whether positive or negative) can feel uncomfortable or overwhelming for me in some way, I have – for most of my life, worked to “squunch” (just made that up because it totally fits the feeling) my awareness of the feeling. Which builds up a charge, which leads to various forms of physicalization and behavior.

Last night as I began my evening meditation, I had SUCH a hard time with the level of activity in my mind – sometimes it is easy to simply observe, sometimes it seems almost impossible.  Well, I remembered what a meditation teacher whom I greatly respect once said: ”Yes, it is all about coming back to the center when we wander. But, sometimes, something important is bubbling up, and it is a good thing to stay with whatever that is, instead of trying to avoid it.” I paraphrased a bit, but this is the gist of what he meant.

So, sitting there, with this sense of low self-worth and a tightness in my chest, I made space for holding these feelings. I settled my awareness right in the feeling itself, and queried, “where are you coming from?”

What I do know today, is whatever comes up is okay, I just need to allow, accept, and experience. No, I do not have to LIKE what I feel, but I DO need to be aware and feel it!

I began to remember earlier times in my life when I had similar feelings, and went hurtling back to a very young age!   What came up for me was homework. And my dread of it, my shame over it, and my deep frustration over it.

As a child, I attended 11 schools from the age of  6 until 14. In many schools from 4th grade on I was recognized as “brilliant, but what a shame…”

After 4th grade, I just almost never handed in my homework. I was bright, and performed well in class, but consistently failed classes due to unfinished assignments. 

I remember trying to do homework, and not understanding parts, and feeling sick sick sick to my stomach. 

Well! Last night this experience gave me fantastic insight into some of my current (and lifelong) problems with deadlines etc.

One, I never had any real experience simply being responsible to finish a chore, whether it was homework, or whateever. Never really got the imprint of start, maintain, and complete whatever you set out to do. So in many ways I “adlibbed” by handing in incomplete stuff, or making excuses like I lost it, or faking that I was sick just as we were to review homework… and then after 17 days of Freshman year I had just turned fourteen a month earlier)  of High School, I dropped out by getting a psychiatric discharge for pulling out most of my hair.  Never to go back.

Hmmm. Funny how things look different from the age of 53 looking back!

It wasn’t until I was 21 that I was taught how to actually wash dishes so they were really clean. I would roughly wipe them, rinse them, stack them, and not even realize there was still foodstuffs on some of them.

I hurt so badly for so many years in so many ways, and knew so little about how to be really functional in every day living.

The good news is I survived, and life is basically magnificent today.

Now, the hurts come and go, but it is nothing compared to early on. And today, I can follow the thread to discover the knot that is holding me back from being fully myself.

Like last night. By raising my awareness of the underlying driver of a patterned behavior, all of a sudden a pathway to change has opened up for me.

And, I have not pulled, or picked, and in fact feel rather inspired. And a little bit more complete.

So I now have an added practice – to identify and follow the steps that I personally need to complete each thing I set out to do, and be willing to adapt to a timeline. 

Today, sitting here, I glory in my hair and clear skin. 

Love, Christina