TLC Blog

Dear ones,

Woke up today pondering the upcoming TLC Retreat and what it means to me, and thought I would share some musings on it.

Why come to a TLC Retreat? To honor your process, the truth of your life experience, to allow yourself the space to step outside of your habituated routines of behavior, thoughts and feelings, and to experience being surrounded by the profundity of a deeply understanding community.

And do this in a setting of great beauty and peace, focused on healing, surrounded by nature; how often, truly, do we give ourselves this grace-filled opportunity?

Spread over 4 days, The Retreat starts Sunday evening, followed by two full days of interactive sessions, and ends Wednesday at noon. The timing is designed to truly allow time away from our normal activities, and offers an opportunity for transformative change in our relationships with the disorder.   

After many, many years where so many of us have tried so many pathways, from medication management to diet, from prayer to acupuncture, from counseling to support groups, a deeper understanding is emerging of the absolute importance of acknowledging and embracing the inner processes that truly support recovery, no matter what your approach, training, belief system, etc.  

And for those who have more recently started these unwanted behaviors, it provides an excellent roadmap right from the start!

During the Retreat, you will experience the opportunity to look at these chronic, often habituated behaviors and the associated mental patterns that can fuel them from new perspectives, and to meet others from all over Come together with others to educate yourself, share experiences, and practice new behaviors that can open pathways to healing on many levels.

Spend time with facilitators who are profoundly knowledgeable about living with, and healing from, hair pulling and skin picking, and the dynamics that often surround them.

The retreat environment offers attendees the opportunity to create a deeper understanding of the inner journey of living with, and healing from, hair pulling and skin picking,

Having attended all of them, for me the bottom line is this: I am in recovery, and I am maintaining it. From pulling/picking from 2-6 hours per day for 2 decades, to now, when I have eleven years of solid recovery, the Retreat has been central to my healing, and in so many ways.

And now, here we are approaching TLC’s 19th Retreat! It is always interesting to step back and see how it has developed over the years. The first year, I remember wondering if anyone would come, if anyone felt the need like I did, to spend time with people of similar experience and need. Sure enough, people did, and the tradition continues to grow. 

Many people who have not been to a TLC Retreat  ask me to explain what it is and what will happen. Will they learn “the answer?” – will they sleep in beds? What is the food like? Do they have to talk to others? Who will be coming?  Can they take their wigs off? Do they HAVE to take their wig off – or wash off eye makeup? What if others see their scars or marks from picking? Will they be rejected? Can they bring their spouse? What will a parent do while there? And a myriad of other questions.

I can share with you that we set the basic parameters, by providing the environment and flow of events, but the rest is up to you. (And yes, generally most sleep in shared cabins, unless you bring camping gear or stay at a nearby hotel.) The most important part of participating in a Retreat, I feel, is to come with an open heart and an open mind. It is an opportunity to meet with others from all over the country, of all ages, and at many stages in the recovery process. There are people who may not have pulled or picked for years, and those who spend hours per day still struggling with impulses; those who are actively engaged in networking, and those who have never spoken to another sufferer. Some have been to every Retreat (or one or two), and others are coming for the first time. Many are in treatment, or have been, while others have not. There are people who don’t pull hair or pick skin themselves, but have a loved one that does.

All of us are drawn together by the shared experience of our lives being impacted in some way by picking and pulling, and the desire for freedom from compulsion is the common bond between us.

Then there are the wonderful professional practitioners and others, who participate year after year, to share information and healing without receiving payment for their invaluable contributions. Their availability and individual efforts of behalf of TLC are so integral to the Retreat process. We could not do it without them.

So, in essence, just in coming and being present, one has taken a powerful step and made a strong statement about willingness to recover. 

Most precious  is the opportunity to step outside the need to hide, reduce the old sense of shame, learn new tools, and meet others with whom you can network – for the rest of your life, if you like! Many deep and lasting friendships have evolved out of meetings at the Retreat.

I hope those of you who read this will be moved to join me this year! Here’s the link for more information, and please know that we do offer partial scholarships and payment plans.

http://www.trich.org/involved/cal-retreats.html

See you soon!

Oodles of love, Christina

Good Evening, World!

I’ve been meaning to write about this for a while – and then it slips my mind. In fact, I wanted to write a short meditation on this concept for my little book Pearls, but again, I forgot!

So today is the day. (Because I sent out a text about it on Monday… )

Here’s the thing: Early on, I had no idea how to break down the actual realtime experience of hair pulling – or skin picking. I was SO habituated, and had failed SO many times to make significant headway, I had come to believe that change was just not possible for me. This caused deep sorrow, and eroded my self-esteem.

Sound familiar? At least to those of us with many years of this under the belt, it is a common experience. Moving ahead, doing well, then slipsliding back down into cycles of pulling and picking, feeling like it is just too hard to stay free of the behavior. And, even if we’ve only struggled for a few weeks, months, or a year or two, it just makes us feel so out of control etc.

One very simple exercise that I started doing had profound results over time. It was this: I had come to understand that when I denied myself the pulling and picking that I craved, it generally built up my internal pressure and often ended up in a binge episode of overwhelming behavior. Better not to deny, I thought.

So this is what I began to do. I told myself that when I had an urge, no problem! I could like TOTALLY pull! I just needed to wait a bit before I did the behavior. Notice what was going on inside, breathe, and then OF COURSE I could pull or pick!

So it was about inserting a NEW behavior – that of waiting with awareness – for a few seconds to a few minutes, BEFORE I engaged in the pulling/picking behavior.

This way I was not giving my internal need system a message of denial, so no tension tended to build up. If I did start to tense up – feel resistant, I would just wiggle my shoulders, take a nice breath, and relax. Because, of COURSE I could pull! in Just a few seconds or minutes!

Did this work? Surprisingly well. Not at first, but I couldn’t ride a bike, drive a car, type a word at first either. So I was very gentle with myself, and worked to stay in a non-denying state. Letting myself know that yes, I certainly could pull if I still felt like it when the time limit was up (I started with about 5 seconds).

Amazingly, just giving myself the permission to choose to wait a few seconds, began to change my awareness of the whole process. It showed me that there WAS a way to make tiny changes over time, and that with practice, I really could make headway.

And here’s the radically cool thing: often when I inserted these little bits of time, I would feel so empowered that I REALLY was engaging directly with my urge, and I was making choices to engage it differently. Once I got up to more than about 30 seconds, I often no longer felt like pulling simply from the amazement of it all. Of course there were times when even after 10 minutes I would have an urge, and in the beginning I simply let myself pull.

But over time, as I became more comfortable with the experience of feeling an impulse but not reacting to it, except with breath and awareness to stay relaxed, I found that not only did they lessen in intensity, but if I felt an impulse arise, and turned INTO it with the full intention of being ready to insert this little “gap” of time, it often dissipated quickly.

This took a couple months of practicing, and at first it was bothersome, but after the first week it became pretty easy, and now, it is automatic.

So – yes, I do still get urges, now and then. I will go weeks and months with no urge, and then there may be a little flurry. Mostly they occur at a very deep level and today I treat  them as signals to pay attention to my overall balance.

Usually when I check in with myself, I find that I am either doing something I don’t want to be doing, or I am trying to multitask to the extreme and I have lost track of the moment. Or, I am too tired, irritated, or in denial of some feelings I need to acknowledge.

So that’s my pitch for making tiny changes – just like a flower unfolding – it happens in little increments over time!

Okay, back soon.

Love Christina

Good morning world,

Been a lot longer than I expected since my last blog entry – now it is time to catch up! I did a 7-day mindfulness retreat with Jon Kabat-Zinn, got my little book PEARLS – meditations on recovery from hair pulling and skin picking published (only available through TLC right now www.trich.org),  and just a few days ago got home from our 17th Annual TLC Conference in Dallas. Which was absolutely marvelous! 

 I have a lot of catch up today at work, but I wanted to share one of the meditations in PEARLS with you today.

 Here it is: This is page 129 I believe! 

Recognizing – and honoring – the bear in the doorway

Today I seek new pathways.

My trich was like a big Grizzly Bear:

bigger than me, able to swat me down, chew me up

and spit me out –

It beat me every time I engaged in the fight.

It stood in the “doorway” to all I wanted.

I have come to understand

that I had been focused on fighting my way –

THROUGH

Now I sit back; I no longer fight the bear.

I honor that the bear is bigger than me,

can outdo all my maneuvering.

I honor the bear; I no longer fight.

I simply open myself up to a new pathway

that the bear is not guarding.

There are pathways all around me!

I was too busy to see them before.

I am free.

And the bear sleeps in that doorway, long behind me.

~ It is easier to stay out than to get out ~

Good morning World!

How do I stay pull free?

By being conscious of my own willingness. Being accepting and gentle with myself, understanding that the impulses may or may not come, and being willing to deal with them at all times. In fact, the more willing, and consciously prepared I am to respond to them (by not responding at all), the less they invade my life. Period. This took me many years to discover, and my deepest wish is to shorten this learning curve for others, develop language that can transmit the “how to” if you will.

Next week, I will be taking a weeklong training in MBSR, which is short for JonKabat Zin’s Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction. I am taking this, because I think it will be useful in helping me to develop the skills (and language) I am seeking to improve my communication abilities.  The training is from 6:30am until 10pm for 7 days, so in some ways I am dreading it – and in other ways – I cannot wait to do it!

What else -  Alice gave me back my edited manuscrpt for my little meditation book, and I am so delighted! But with the training coming up, I may have to wait to update the corrections. 

Writing this blog, and that little book, has really helped me be more comfortable with the written word, which is incredibly exciting to me!

Okay, here’s to everyone having a great day!

Love, Christina

Hello World!

Today I encourage peace within my nervous system, having learned much from our dogs and cats!

In our home Frankie and Jessie are buddies.

Frankie is a six-toed orange cat with light green sea-mist colored eyes, and Jessie is a Beagle; a bit on the small side, with perfect Beagle markings. In living with them, I have watched as they got to know each other, and the limits that each can live with. Often today (six years later) you will find them sleeping together, or Jessie licking Frankie’s ears. Or Frankie rubbing up against Jessie, gently rumbling with his burbling purr.

All is well in the world.

Now Ben, the Shepherd, and two other cats also live in our home, as do my husband and I. All of us together form a big dance, with the chipmunks, deer, birds, and other local creatures (humans included) as we move in and out of the house throughout the day and night.

And this dance has expanding circles within expanding circles within expanding circles of life, ultimately encircling the very globe we live on…  Am I star stuff? I suspect so. The sun of creation burns vitally in the core of my soul, wrapping through all space and time until back at the center. Without one piece of this inherent dance, I do not think I would exist.  hmmm… musings getting wild there… lol!

But back to Frankie and Jessie. Natural enemies, they were raised together. A one-year old Beagle found a 6-week old kitten moving in. At first, all Jessie the dog wanted to do was nuzzle, chase and pester the kitten, in fact, possibly even eat it. Well! Frankie soon learned that hissing, spatting and batting furiously were useful tools. Thus, ground-rules were quickly identified, boundaries set, and then began the work of getting to know each other. Over time, they got deeply used to each other, settling into the rhythm of daily activity, simply accepting the other’s presence as a fact of life as life is, within the realm of their personal experience

Today, there is a mutual sense of recognition of  “otherness” between them, yet they have become good friends, and are at peace with one another, unless a boundary is crossed beyond a certain point. Even then, they do not ever come to blows. Simply a dismissal, a quick leave-taking, a yip, a hiss, stuff like that. No grudges ever held, and always comfortable when coming together again. Lots of respect on both sides, and even some joking around.

 Jessie is often filled with evident delight when Frankie saunters into the room.

I have learned a lot watching them. In a way their relationship has become a metaphor, teaching me more about my own nervous system and the very body-focused impulses I so hated for most of my early life.

One body, with  conflicting drives, emotions, thoughts, and impulses. Egad –one could hypothesize there’s a slew of “dogs and cats” within!!!

Altering or shifting perspectives often invites different solutions. Taking a look through metaphor, and learning from the natural world, in which living beings are flexible, negotiating and constantly re-evaluating – relationships, can be very useful.

That’s what life is all about – relationships.  Relationships with self, and other, with inner and outer, with the Divine, with the mundane.

Relationship. Whether with oneself, a loved one, a furred, feathered, or scaled friend. Whether with a goal, a dream, a habit or an impulse. Or with a like or dislike, with a sensation, a desire, with a thought form, or a feeling. Or with a disorder, a compulsion, a disease, a pain. It is all about the dynamic interplay of the present moment with all that we perceive through all of our senses.

Ultimately it’s about our internal relationship with the gateways or portals through which we sense (and make sense of) our lives.  ( I have to smile – okay, musing away here…)

Sight, touch, feeling, taste, smell – and our interpretation of this data. But what of thought? Perception? Intuition? The longings of the heart?

The ripple of energy when Spirit flows?

 I have a gut feeling we need more words to identify far more aspects of self that the simple 5 physical senses.

So much of me is not physical – when I look for roots, I find they are not in my biology but in my soul – which is indefinable, unpindownable, ungraspable, and yet far more tangible, real, and constant – than my body, my thought forms, and my feelings.

Yes it is here, sitting in bed, typing this out before I sleep – and the sensory portals are what I have to play with. They are of me, but do not define me. They connect me, but do not interpret me. They are my gateways to you, to life, to the world.

 It is I – who interpret them. From my awareness, perception, soul, spark of divinity – what ever and however oneself can ultimately be defined. ( my guess is we really are indefinable…) But we always try (like I am doing here rather ineptly) – with words as the vehicle for conveying concepts through space and time.

Back to my trich. Like cats and dogs, I found that which was my “natural foe” needed to be honored. Respected. Accepted for its own truth. Not liked, I never said anything about like. Honor – respect, yes. For its power, its bulldoggish persistence, its relentless intrusion on my senses. For its availability, and lure. For its strength and for its mystery. For its trance induction and its wonder – when I found “just the right one.”  For its insidious shaping of my self esteem, my life patterns, my deepest longings to be free.

Acceptance of its role in the unfolding pattern of my life, my thoughts, my drives, my goals.

Do I like the suffering I went through? No.

But I like the person I have become.

Which brings me here to this very moment. It is here that magic happens, and I do not pull or pick.

 I practice being aware.

All the time. (When I remember… lol!)

 It’s a choice:

I have two.

I can practice

Or not practice.

Choosing practice has brought me to this moment.  What was foe has become friend, where there was battle there is now peace. And now, I am connecting with you! And there is nowhere I would rather be.

If I had chosen not to practice this way of life, I would not be here today, sharing with you.  I would be elsewhere in a different story line of creation.

But I am here, and there’s work to do!

With all my heart and soul I yearn for you to experience the gifts of freedom from compulsion. Hopefully – without the degree of suffering – although I know you have each suffered, or you would not be here reading these words.

So did you know that cats and dogs can grow to live in harmony and love?

I have seen it. Lived it, breathed it: in my home, on my pillow, sometimes room barely there for my human head as I get surrounded by my furry friends.  And this human head has hair, and my skin is clear, as I find my nose gently ticked by the flick of a cat’s tail, and my hip kicked by a Beagle’s back leg as she gets comfortable.

Did you know that one can find peace within a nervous system long-wracked by impulses to pick and pull?

I know this to be true.  It’s been a lot of work, but really, really, precious things have come of walking this path.

Have I mused enough?

Good night, and deepest love to you.

Christina